What are you withholding from others?

No this blog is not about family secrets or any secret you may be holding. But we can come to that on another blog..(that should be a juicy one)

This withholding is much more subtle.

Do you withhold praise from another?

Do you play down someone’s efforts?

Do you purposely look away when someone deserves a pat on the back or even acknowledgement for what they have done?

Why do you do this? blog@loveliveholistically.com  I would really like to know.

I am not here to tell you what is going on with you psychologically, that may bring up too many Mummy and Daddy issues to go into here.

When you withhold praise, play down someone’s’ efforts or refuse to acknowledge a good deed or work. You have made a conscious effort to receive the same treatment.

I seem to come from a culture, that have a great poker face when in-fact they are happy, elated, glad and appreciative. I immediately take that poker face to mean ungratefulness. I know that isn’t very Christian or spiritual of me. I know that some people are not being ungrateful. However what they are doing, is making a conscious effort to damp down that emotion.

It was found, in a study by Chun Liu (International Journal of social Science and Humanity Vo14, No3, May 2014) that some cultures, namely Chinese show less emotions and choose to hold back their emotions. It is believed that ‘harmony is the best policy’ which is advocated as high morality of a cultivated Chinese society.

Jeanne Tsai, Stanford Psychology Professor and Tamara Sims, director of culture and emotion. found that culture teaches us which emotional state to value, and shape the emotions we experience. We are aware that Nurses, tend not to give anything away with their non-verbal communication. But I am not talking about being in China or a hospital, the above is to make you aware that some people are pre-disposed to showing or in this case not showing their emotions.

Who do you have in your life, that chooses to withhold emotions? Work colleagues? Is it a form of Work-Place Bullying? see my blog on that subject (https://www.loveliveholistically.com/work-place-bullying.php) Is it your partner? Why do you feel they do this? Have you asked? There are some people who genuinely don’t show much emotion when given a present, they can appear somewhat happy but this is restrained.  In that situation, you know they are happy and you can feel that they appreciate your efforts. 

This blog isn’t about any of the above. We know that our children can be non-responsive at times, as they don’t realize what it took to present them with the things we do, again this is not what I am talking about. It is the deliberate repression of emotion, when they know it would make you feel good, appreciated, or acknowledged. Who is that in your life? blog@loveliveholistically.com

As adults, you may be thinking that we should be use to this type of reactions by now, we should be strong enough not to care about it, well we are all human beings with feelings so we do care.

The person who withhold their emotions from another is causing the effect they have chosen for us. That’s why we care, we care because it is a negative emotion. It is a ‘don’t care’ ‘don’t wish you well’ vibe that is being deliberately transferred to us. (Deep eh!) .This unwanted vibe has been sent and there is nothing the receiver can do, because it is directed squarely at the receiver. 

Often if someone doesn’t like you or you don’t get on, you try and stay away, why? because unconsciously you don’t want the bad vibe that will be present. When someone consciously withhold an emotion, we are in the firing line and cannot get away. Unless we become aware of the bad vibe that is coming our way, and can brace ourselves or reflect the vibe. How do we brace ourselves? Only when we truly believe that what we do is 100% given with love and a caring heart, can we stop concerning ourselves with the response of others. Most of us do not live in that world, we live in a work or home environment that centres around  impressing others. That could be the boss, our friends, our partner. So we manage their unresponsive behaviour by lying to ourselves, the self talk may go something like this ‘I don’t care what s/he thinks of me’ worst yet you may say ‘Maybe what I did wasn’t that good anyway’.  Who, in your life make you lie to yourself? Is it a work colleague? Is it your partner or a member of your family? Perhaps it’s someone you call a ‘friend’. Do you realize that what they are doing is not good? Do not just brush it off as ‘Oh, that’s just how they are’. Anyone who knowingly withholds something good from you is doing you a disservice. (Yeah deep)

You need to tell this person what they are doing. In fact start by telling them how it makes you feel when they withhold a compliment, an acknowledgement or praise. If you are the person that withholds your emotions or praise from someone, tell me why blog@loveliveholistically.com More importantly, ask yourself why and put yourself in the other persons’ shoe. How do you think they feel? Well you would be fully aware of how they feel! Because you would have fired that bad vibe like an arrow at point blank range...It would never have missed.

To find and follow ones passion is to give of one’s self in the form of services. Your talent, gift or passion is not yours to keep, but to give away. Whatever your passion, you will find it is to serve others. I bet you cannot think of one passion out there, that is solely for the person who has the talent. If you can let me know blog@loveliveholistically.com Giving is the most important part of finding your lives purpose. The world has been waiting for it for years. Don’t withhold it!

The process of finding and following your passion is one of self searching. One has to walk this journey alone. If you are a withholding person, work has to be done to correct that trait. If you are withholding from others it means that you have been with holding from yourself. How many things have you withheld from yourself? I can think of 101 things I use to withhold from myself. Here’s a few :- Sleep (2 jobs and a household to run) Food (too tired to cook) Food (too tired to eat) Anything new (too many debts) Charity shops are great, and although my circumstances has changed, I still frequent them when I have the time. Another thing I withheld was my Tongue yes my Tongue- I withheld the notion of speaking out against Work Place Bullying and some bad practices I observed, when I first started working in Care.

Now, my old work places wouldn’t have me back even if I paid them, for fear that I’d find something out of place. In order to function at my best optimum I need sufficient rest and nourishment. In order to follow my passion of helping others find and follow their passion, I need to be a good giver as well as a good receiver. I was asked by my niece, a few weeks ago, If I practiced what I preached? I said ‘yes, I have left my Job to do what I am passionate about’. How could I honestly say that I am following my passion and not ‘write’ How could I write, if I am working in an environment that causes me dis–ease, upset and most of the time allows me to have bad thoughts. How could I say that I was following my passion and allow others to present me with ‘bad vibes’ . My last job had such bad vibes, that it felt like I was in a whodidit movie. Everyone appeared to be looking over their shoulder at everyone else. You can not set out to help others or yourself if your own house is not in order. As mentioned in a previous blog. On the journey to finding and following your passion, your eyes will become opened to disrespect, people who present an obstacle will stick out clearly, your time will become more valuable and spent as you direct. Sounds spooky, but your passion takes on a life of it’s own and demands it. You will find your tongue or begin to distance yourself from anyone who presents a treat to your quest. (Are you really ready for this?) blog@loveliveholistically.com

To withhold your kindness, your passion, your gifts from others is a cause for concern. If you didn’t think this way, you wouldn’t be here reading this. Be a good giver as well as a good receiver. If someone is consciously withholding something from you, speak to them, telling them how it makes you feel. Should they continue to withhold kindness from you, you may have to re consider your relationship with this person. You deserve much more. blog@loveliveholistically.com

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A look at what you do for a living, using examples from my life, that is, being a single mother at 17, being evicted from homes, enduring domestic violence to gaining an Honours degree in Psychology. I went on to study a Masters in Counselling psychology and PhD, to helping others find and follow their passion regardless of what life has thrown at them.